My Second Seminar

Last Thursday, I gave my second seminar about my research project. I've been preparing for it for a while. Most of the slides I used were from my first one, only re-arranged. I also cut a lot of the introduction and added more to the results, since now I have a lot more of those to present.


While I was preparing for the seminar, my nerves were so cool and calm. I felt everything was under control, and that I know my stuff real well and everything is going to be OK. I showed Advisor my slides the day before and he seemed to generally like them; he did make some comments and suggestions though, but more about the format rather than the content.

I didn't stay late in the lab that day, although my slices were incredibly healthy and viable and I really didn't want to leave before doing at least 3-4 experiments. But I stopped after the second and decided to go home to practice and read.

 I spent the next morning reading and practicing. The seminar was scheduled to be at 12:00 pm. I went to the seminar room at about 11:30 am to plug in my laptop and setup everything before people start coming in. To my surprise, there was a workshop going on in the room, and they didn't seem to be leaving anytime soon. The Department Secretary told me that they booked the room until 11:30 am and must be leaving, and she went in there herself telling them that we need the room for a seminar. I was waiting outside the room with my laptop in my arms (which made some people smile) and a great deal of my audience have arrived as well and also stood at the door waiting to be admitted into that freaky room. The workshop people did not leave until around 12. I rushed inside and prepared my laptop for the show until the audience was seated.


Program Director made a brief welcoming introduction, and then it was time for me to speak. I don't know what happened to me at that moment. I felt my lips and throat so dry that it was a great effort to pull my lips apart and make them say anything. My heart was racing, and my mind went into a perfectly white blank.


Eventually, I started speaking. After a few slides the Chairman of our department stopped me and said, "Look, by now we must all be your friends. We are not your enemies here. So speak like you're talking to your friends and just relax." Wow! How sweet of you Prof. Chairman! But now you made me aware that I do look nervous and that everybody else in the room is aware too. Thank you very much.


I smiled, paused for a few seconds, and went on.


I did get more and more relaxed as I went through my slides. I still stumbled a bit on some words but it was in general OK.


Then came the questioning part. The first question came from a new, young, male, assistant prof (NYMAP), and ohhhhhhh how I hate those new, young, assistant profs, especially males*. They seem to think they've gained all the knowledge in the universe the day they got their PhD and they just love to show off everything they know, even if it's irrelevant to the topic being discussed. Anyway, I was happy that I knew the answer to his question (actually I did expect someone to ask it so I was well prepared to answer). NYMAP did not seem to understand, however, and that's when Advisor took over. I was OK with that, especially that what he said was not so different than what I did, which means I was saying the right thing all the time but he just put it in another, simpler way, which is something I should learn to do with time. The next question was from another faculty member, a senior full prof this time. Again, I was in the middle of answering the question when Advisor jumped again to take over. This time I was kind of annoyed. I felt that he made me look like an idiot who is uttering nothing but nonsense and that he was doing the job for me. My friends later told me it wasn't so bad of him to do that, he's just so enthusiastic and excited about the topic and the project that he wanted to get himself involved, plus he might have wanted to add some fun to the dull, formal setting. I was softened, and I felt kind of happy and maybe lucky too, because at least now I know that my Advisor is truly on my side, and I'd so much rather that he answers the questions with me than to have him the one who asks the questions embarrassing me in front of the entire audience; and I've seen this in my friend's seminar and it was too painful to just watch.


I received a question from the Program Director to which I knew the answer, but I only answered half of it, and then said that I'm not so sure. Maybe it was out of tension too, but I feel so bad not to have given a complete answer. I know it and I was reading about it just that morning. Why didn't I say so?!


Anyway, that is that. Everyone after it said it was an excellent presentation. Advisor was happy, and so was my co-advisor. I think I must be so too although I wasn't really satisfied. Yes, it was a heck better than the first one, but I haven't seemed to get over my anxiety and my public speaking phobia yet. I think next time I'm definitely going to take some beta-blocker to at least eliminate the physical symptoms that people can see.

 Advisor also told me that someone told him that what I've already done is enough and I must finish up writing to graduate. He frankly said that he wants at least one publication out of my work and I still have to do a few more experiments. And I'm actually working and writing at the same time so hopefully I'm going to graduate within the average time.


I think I have to start preparing my defense presentation from now, and start practicing it from now too. And I shouldn't forget my beta-blocker.


* No offence to all NYMAPs out there and who might stumble across this. It's just that I've had bad experiences with most of those who I met. They're too proud, arrogant, and just cloying. Maybe it's just that the ones my college recruits are like that? Maybe. To be fair, I have to admit that I know one exception to this: a NYMAP who taught us in pharmacy school. And I'm sure there are a lot of good ones somewhere on earth, but definitely not on our campus that I know of.