Little Miss Neuropharmacologist

And it Happened :)

2010-04-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

OK. So today was the day, the Big Day for me. I woke up early in the morning and headed to the gym for my morning workout. I was only 15 minutes on the treadmill when my cell phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number, but I guessed it was most likely someone from college, because it starts with the familiar 252(…). Well, to be more honest, I’ll have to admit that a little voice inside me was saying that that was the phone call I’ve been waiting for. This call might be from the conference coordinator with some good news about my poster. It just might be; I’m not so sure.

I was right! “Hi, this is Tina,” the female voice says when I pick up. Oh yes, Tina, the lady whose name is always at the bottom of all e-mails regarding conferences in our Little Institution and whom I never got to meet or even know what she looks like. “Are you Little Miss N?” She asks. “Yes, that’s me,” I reply. “I called to inform you that the conference committee has selected your poster to be awarded as the best graduate research project and poster, and we would like you to be with us in the conference hall at 12:00 pm. I’ve contacted your advisors, but you may call them again yourself to insure their presence as well.”

Now I can’t recall what I said exactly in response, maybe because I didn’t actually know what to say then. I perhaps thanked her and promised I would call my advisors, although I knew my co-advisor is currently overseas for some conference, but my advisor’s presence would be more than enough to me. It was about 9:15 am, and I started debating whether I had enough time to finish my workout or I should rush home to change into some decent, formal outfit instead of the casual attire I was wearing for the day. I didn’t have to think long before I jumped off the treadmill, headed to the locker room, showered, and called my parents while I was dressing. They were both very happy for me. They must be; they know I’ve been dreaming of this since undergrad, and today is the day.

I changed, trying on several outfits in front of the mirror before I made up my mind, and hit the road to college. I went to Advisor in his office, who told me that he had to be with his wife at the hospital at 12 o’clock, but he’ll try his best to be there. A little disappointing, but nothing could be done. He’ll try, he said.

I go to the lab for some reason, and I meet Postdoc there sitting at her rig. I tell her I won the prize and she congratulates me and says, "but you know, it's too bad Timothy Hunt was not able to come this year*. Seems like you have to recieve your prize from someone from here instead. When I won the prize, a Nobel Laureate (I can't remember the name she mentioned) handed it to me and I have pictures of me with him."

Oh well shucks. Why do you just love to ruin my happy moments? Just why? This is what I say in my head. But then I decide that this is not going to upset me. I got my prize and this is all what I care about.

I head to the conference hall. Listen to a few speeches and then prizes were given to the winners. Advisor was there, thankfully. Turns out that I'm not the only one from our department to get a prize. An undergrad student in our department got one as well, so today is a super happy day for the department. The ceremony was followed by lunch, and I got to sit at the table wih my sister (who is doing her undergrad studies in the same Little College) and one of my favorite female Profs. I just love this woman: humble, witty, and cheerful. We ate and laughed and joked, and discussed a bit what I might be doing after I finish my MS. She encouraged me, like everyone else to go for a PhD. The truth is, this is what I want to do too, but I'm still not sure when or where, and more frankly, I'm not sure if it's really worth it.

After lunch, everyone was removing their posters from the lobby as requested, except for the winners. I found that a shiny blue ribbon is now attached to the upper-left corner of my poster. So I took more pictures of it and with me, my sister and Advisor next to it.

So this was my day. Advisor said that a lot of people expected that the grad prize will go to me this year. He said that he was told by an insider that very few posters made it as finalists, and mine ranked the highest. No PhD students were even nominated for the prize. Advisor joked abiut this and said I don't need to defend my thesis anymore because my prize already says it all. Well, I wish. But that will just be in my wildest dreams.

*according our Little College's traditions, a Nobel Laureate is invited to Poster Day to give the keynote speech and to give the winners their prizes. This year, the invited person was not able to come due to volcanic dust and interruption of air traffic.

Annual Poster Conference (aka Poster Day)

2010-04-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow will be the first day in the Annual Poster Conference in our Little Institution. My poster was done about a month ago, which is how my Advisor likes things to be done. He just detests last minute-work and prefers things to be done way in advance to be rushed the night before. I used a design similar to last year's. I just played a bit with the colors. At first I chose green to be my theme color this year but my friends suggested that using different shades of blue would look nicer. I went with there suggestion. Advisor said he has nothing to say about design and color because he thinks he doesn't have any artistic taste whatsoever. Well, by observing what he wears at times, I think it's true, at least partially.

Posters will be presented by scientists and physicians doing basic and/or clinical research, as well as undergrad and grad students. First day will start with a keynote lecture by Nobel Prize laureate Sir Timothy Hunt at around 9:00 am, followed by poster display from 10:00 am to 3:00 pm. There will be lunch break around 1 pm. Winners will not be announced till Thursday.

Presenters were asked to put up their posters today by 3:00 pm, so that everything will be ready tomorrow morning.

This year I really think I'll have more fun than last year because I have my friends and colleagues presenting too. Last year I was all alone hanging with a bunch of professors, embarrassed but still enjoying my time, having the chance to see how scientists talk and think, telling them about my work and ideas and getting new ones from them. None of my friends had data good enough to present last year, but now three of them have posters and are given locations very close to mine, so we'll be standing there and chatting as time passes by. Advisor's own poster is also near mine, like last year, and he asked me take care of both posters as he's too busy just to stand there the whole day.

Now I'm off to prepare my gadget for tomorrow: clothes, accessories, a good pair of comfortable yet elegant shoes (to stand in for 5 hours), and a camera. Poster Day, here I come!

Thesis is back :)

2010-04-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

So my thesis came back yesterday from the College of Graduate Studies (CGS) administration. Advisor called me yesterday afternoon when I was at the gym and had just changed into my exercise clothes saying that I should go pick it up ASAP. It was still 2:30 pm, and I was so excited and eager to see the CGS's feedback. So I dressed up quickly back again and rushed back to college, which is about 10 minutes away from the gym. Weird enough, Advisor had left by the time I got to his office, so I had to wait till today to get my thesis.

Thankfully, there are not so many changes to make. It should've been like this, since I tried my very very best to adhere to their format and to make my thesis as typo-free as possible. They had 5 comments: to mention the CGS grant number in the acknowledgements section (which I thought was funny; is the grant number really important as long as I did acknowledge them?), to leave more space between the name of the university and thesis title on the title page (which Program Director thought was funny), to italicise the journal name in one of my references (which is important, but I just missed out. After all, it's one out of about 300 references), to add a "hypothetical" graduation date at the bottom of the title page (they suggested April 2010), and to change the direction of the last page to the other side. Very simple changes, I can manage to them today and then print out six copies, spiral-bind them and give them to Program Director to distribute them to the committee members as well as to the external examiner.

At first, the date "April 2010" freaked me out. I'm not quite ready to defend in the next few weeks, neither emotionally nor intellectually. But they're telling me it's only an arbitrary date not leave the date space empty on the title page. OK, if that's what they want!

It usually takes an average of 1 month for the thesis to come back from the external examiner, and another 2 weeks from that date till defense. Days are running! While I wait, I should keep myself busy preparing for the annual Poster Conference and putting my defense presentation together. Wow! Poster Conference is nearly here. I just love this event for some reason, maybe because I think of it as our local Science Geek Holiday!

I Submitted my Thesis!

2010-03-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

Finally, after a long day of printing and binding (don't ask me why this process took me a ridiculously long time), I submitted 2 copies of the final draft of my thesis to the College of Graduate Studies at my university.

What I should expect now is that a committee there will revise the thesis (format wise only) and send it back to me within 2 weeks to make the required amendments (if any) and then send it back to them so that they can forward it to an external reviewer to review it and send me a report (actually I won't be receiving it for now, it will be kept with my Advisor till I defend).

Advisor is expecting me to defend in June (latest). So let me keep my fingers crossed and wait and hope!

What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up? A Question Still Unanswered (II)

2010-03-15T07:01:00.000-07:00

I read an article on Science Careers a month ago about gender equity in Science, and this article seemed to speak everything I was thinking of regarding my own career worries and fears that are leading to this torturing indecisiveness I'm suffering.

Now that I'm getting closer and closer towards the end of my research project and hence my graduate studies (for now), every single person I meet asks me: so you're almost done? What are your plans?

Essentially, it's the same old childhood question, but composed differently.

Oh how I wish I kept a gun in my labcoat pocket to shoot the next person who asks me this and walk on.

My plans? How should I know? I'm a minority (or better say an expatriate/foreigner) living in a place where all good career opportunities belong to the "natives", even if less qualified or experienced. Let aside the fact that I'm female, which makes my situation even more complicated.

What I really want is going for a PhD. I love science and research and I think this is something I can excel in. But then I think, will getting a PhD will make any difference for my career in this country? Is it worth it? Many foreigners here with PhD's and MD's here are working as RA's in science labs because they were not given an academic position (I can think of at least four right now who I personally know, all of which are females). So will it really matter if I get a PhD myself? Should I just seek an RA position with my MS (and that itself is very difficult)?

And another thing: what if I get married during my studies? What if I get married later on? Will I be able to go on with my career and actually succeed? I don't want to just be your average scientist. I want to do some real serious science. I want to run my own lab (which sounds kind of impossible given the situation in the above paragraph) and do my own research with my own original ideas. Can you do that when you're a married woman with children?

I'm totally confused. Should I find a science job with my MS for now and then decide about my PhD when I get married (which I have no idea when that might happen) and see how things will go? Should I leave science altogether and go for a less demanding job (like a pharmacy technician for example) just to avoid disappointment later on? I don't know.

I think that Prof. Geraldine Richmond of the University of Oregon states it best when she says in the article,

"When you are 24 or 26 and are looking at different career options—industry, academia, or government labs—men see three clear paths and will know several people who traversed each one. They can see other men 20 years down the line. But for women it is more of a fog. They may not know anyone who has gone that road, or at least no other women. So they cannot visualize where they are going to go. If you plan to have children, but don't see any women who have gone that path, you may not be sure it's possible."

Yes. Keyword: a fog. This is what I'm seeing right now, if anything, when I think about my future.

Sally Shaywitz of the Yale Center for Dyslexia and Creativity at Yale University School of Medicine says,

"The gap between female graduates and the pool of female applicants is very real, and suggests that focus next be placed on examining challenges such as family and child responsibilities, which typically impact women more than men."

So you see, people who have no other question to ask me but about my future plans, this is my situation right now. I'm not sure what my plans are. I'm trying to forget about planning altogether right now and focus on my thesis and studying for my defense. And don't judge me. It's not like I don't plan or I let my life go without planning. It's that I don't have enough given data to base my plans on. That's it.

So next time when someone asks me about what I'll do after I graduate, I'll just send them a copy of this article.

Double Bingo. Yay Me!

2010-03-05T12:24:00.000-08:00

I finally finished writing my whole thesis and handed in the first draft. I now see the pieces of my puzzle coming together making a (hopefully) beautiful picture. Advisor said he liked my writing and thinks not much is left too. The plan is to hand in the complete thesis to the College of Graduate Studies in my university before the end of this month so that it will be sent for external judgment. This may take a few months so the earlier I send them the thesis the better. After that, a defense date will be scheduled, which I hope to be somewhere no later than May-June.

The second piece of good news is that my first paper ever got published. It's a review paper actually, adapted from my thesis introduction. It's published in a local medical journal, which my dad thinks is not something to make a big fuss about, but still he's happy and said he's looking forward to see my research published as well. Advisor and I signed a copy of the journal issue and gave it to my dad, who's a professor too, but in a totally different discipline.

One of my friends defended her thesis last week, becoming the first student in my class to defend and graduate. The next one is scheduled to defend next Tuesday. Just watching them giving their presentations fills my stomach with butterflies. Yikes! Better than thinking about the defense itself, I'm trying to direct my thoughts to the post-defense rituals and celebrations: who I'll invite to the presentation, what I'll wear, what I'll give Advisor as a thank-you gift, where I'll hold the graduation party and what food there will be etc etc . I know it's still too early to think of all that crap right now, but a little dreaming won't hurt, especially that I'm trying to convince myself that defending will be associated with a lot of fun and pleasurable things and is not an event to dread.

Coming back to our wonderful Real World, I have to keep in mind that the annual poster conference is next month, so I have to start preparing for that.

What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up? A Question Still Unanswered (I)

2010-03-02T03:43:00.000-08:00

We’ve all been asked that question dozens, if not hundreds, of times when we were younger. Some people always had the same answer: they had that “childhood dream” they’ve been persistently seeking throughout their lives, and never let go till it was accomplished.

For me, that answer constantly changed as I grew:

At 5: “I want to be a doctor,” I remember myself saying. I had an incredible pediatrician, Dr. Everest, who always made medical examinations fun rather than something to fear. I always wanted to hold his tools and play with them. I was also fascinated by the big hospital where my mom delivered my little sister, and was thrilled at the way doctors’ names were called out loud through little holes in the ceiling. “I want my name to be called like that too,” I told my dad. He replied, “then you have to study hard and become a doctor.” My parents started to call me that way at home; whenever they needed me, they would cry out, “Calling Dr. Little Miss! Calling Dr. Little Miss! Dr. Little Miss to the living room please!” I loved it. A doctor’s job is cool and that’s what I’m gonna be!

At 10: “I want to be an astronaut,” I frequently declared. I enjoyed learning about the solar system. “I want to be the first human on Mars. I’ll even go to farther planets. I’ll discover new planets no-one else has ever known about.” I started buying astronomy books and thought I should start preparing myself to be an astronaut. But it was not long before I changed my mind. I read somewhere that astronauts should have specific physical characteristics regarding their weight and height and their general physical health. “But that’s not fair!” I objected. “What if someone short wants to be an astronaut?” I gradually, though reluctantly, dropped the idea. Besides, physics and chemistry seemed to excite me more; and here is when I started becoming a real science geek. I used to pour my curious questions on my teachers everyday: should we consider ozone to be an element or a compound? Why does wood burn while iron melts upon heating? There can’t be only three states of matter, what is yogurt then? (I hadn’t heard about the semi-solids before then). I enjoyed science classes and doing experiments and finding ways to somehow replicate them at home, without the sophisticated equipment we had in our school labs. I even remember taking home a wedge of pure sodium in a piece of tracing paper (despite my teacher’s warnings) to show my parents how I can make a lighting match “pop” (by reacting sodium with water in a covered glass and holding the match above a crack in the cover). “This is so awesome!” I thought to myself. “I’ll become a scientist and do experiments all day long!” I never thought what my field of specialization would be, however. I just wanted to be a scientist.

At 15: “I want to be a chemist, definitely a chemist.” I became obsessed with chemistry in particular. All my friends and classmates accused me with insanity, but I still couldn’t stop loving my chemistry. Madam Curie became my role model. I wanted to have my own lab and make new discoveries. I frequently dreamed of getting the Nobel Prize. I wanted to be the first female from my home country to obtain that prize.

At 17: “Um, well, a pharmacist?” Here is when my miserable problem with indecisiveness started. A lot of people, including my parents, started to work on convincing me that studying chemistry is not a good idea. They told me that if I want to be a “somebody” in chemistry, then I definitely must go for grad school, which might be long path to pursue and I might not have the real desire, eagerness, or even the energy to do so by the time I earn my BS. They told me the only thing I can do with my BS in chem is to teach children in schools, which is not a very highly-paid job where I live, let aside the fact that teaching is a very tedious job, according to them. The claimed that pharmacists have much more prestigious job opportunities, are better paid, and are “highly ranked” in our societies even with their undergrad degree. Pharmacists are looked up to as doctors, only without the long years of study. A pharmacist can always find a job wherever he/she moves or travels, but a chemist may not. Besides, half of studying pharmacy is studying chemistry; most good pharmacists need to have a good grasp of chemistry but not vice versa.

I was very naïve then. I’ve always believed that parents (and older people in general) knew best, and I was a perfect example of the “nice”, obedient daughter that did whatever her mom and dad told her to do. I argued a lot; I don’t deny that I didn’t, but eventually I was half-convinced, especially by the claim that “half of studying pharmacy is studying chemistry”. But I made a huge mistake that I always plead everyone graduating high school to avoid:

DON’T APPLY TO A PARTICULAR COLLEGE BEFORE ASKING ITS FACULTY, STUDENTS, AND GRADUATES WHAT TO EXPECT (REGARDING STUDYING AT THAT COLLEGE AND JOB OPPORTUNTIES LATER ON) AND DISCUSSING WITH THEM WHAT YOUR PARTICULAR NEEDS, GOALS, AND DREAMS ARE!!!

And when asking students, try to find those who are in a similar situation as yours (e.g. female, minority etc etc).

This is your future people. Make a careful and informed decision about it. Don’t just choose a particular school or college or field just because someone else told you to or because your best friends are doing the same. Everyone is different, and here is where you start to create your own self as you see it. Only you know exactly what and where you want yourself to be within the next few years, so don’t miss the opportunity to go for it. I’m not saying ignore other people’s advice and input. After all, they want is to see you happy. But those people may not have chosen the same path you’re about to, and may have studied a totally different subject. Therefore, their opinions and advice may be based only on second hand info that may have reached them out of context and therefore may or may not be true. Listen to them, keep what they’re saying in mind, and discuss that with people who really know what they’re talking about, people who have walked that path before you, people who can tell you whether studying this particular subject will really take you where you want. Tell them about your hopes and fears, get as much info as you can then make your decision. That way, you are more likely to enjoy what you’ll study and to succeed in it, or at worse, to not regret choosing that path.

My story with indecisiveness isn't over yet. It still continues till today. As I grow up, things seem to get more and more complicated and becomes harder for me to choose a career path with all my heart and without that stupid feeling of uncertainty or helplessness. I'm tired of typing right now, so I'll continue with that later.

Progress Update

2010-01-15T07:18:00.000-08:00

OK. So I finished writing up my results (or as my co-advisor says is more appropriate, "I think I finished." I gave the chapter to Advisor to read over the weekend. Hope he'll like and not make me write it over.

I wrote an abstract for our annual Poster Conference. I don't know why this yearly event thrills me. The sight of rows and rows of scientific posters just fascinates me and gives me goose bumps LOL. The conference will be held late April. I'm so excited!

Now I'll have to sit and write up my discussion and conclusions PLUS add some paragraphs to the introduction as Advisor asked. I'm nearly done. The hard part is over! Although everyone tells me the hardest part in thesis writing is the discussion, but I'm trying to ignore that and think positive.

Happy New Year (2010)!

2010-01-02T02:42:00.000-08:00

Happy new year everyone!

One year has already passed. Wow! I can hardly believe it!

Let's see what resolutions I've accomplished in 2009:

Lose weight: I did! I joined a gym and I'm trying to control my diet (I'm not following a strict diet, and I'm not counting calories. I just can't do something like that. It makes my life too miserable and complicated! But I'm just trying to eat a fewer bites every meal. And it's working so far). I've lost half the weight I'm supposed to lose to reach a reasonable "BMI"; hopefully, I'll be there in a few months.
Participate in the Annual Scientific Poster Conference at my university: I did! I didn't win any prizes, though. Never mind. I'll try again this year!
Get my degree/finish research: well, I didn't get my degree yet. But I did finish my research. I'm now all devoted to writing. Advisor says I may not be able to defend till May, but that's OK with me. It's not like I have the world waiting for me to graduate to change it.
Find a job if #3 accomplished: I actually did start job hunting even before I graduate, and I'm hoping to post something about this soon. Briefly, I asked Advisor first if he would have a position for me in his lab when I graduate. His answer was most probably not. A very disappointing start that was. But I'll keep searching!
Take more French classes: nooooooo. I did not do that. I spent most of my summer in the lab doing experiments, even after everybody else left for vacation. But those were very fun days. I came to the lab whenever I wanted and left whenever I liked. There was no-one nagging and no-one complaining. I listened to the music I wanted and used the computer and internet connection whenever I wanted without anyone screaming in my ears. Freedom is an addiction, you know! As for French classes, I think I'll leave them till after graduation.

Goals accomplished: let's say 3/5. Not so bad, huh?

Hope your resolutions were achieved. If not, we have a whole new year ahead of us! Let's try our best!

May 2010 bring you all the happiness and all what you've ever dreamed of.

ELISA, Dear Liza Dear Liza

2009-12-20T11:26:00.000-08:00

I finally finished my electrophysiology experiments, for now at least. I'm still waiting for a couple of drugs to be delivered to perform just a few more.

In the meantime, I'm doing some ELISA experiments. Those kind of experiments have never been done in my current lab, so I temporarily moved to another one in a different building, where most of my of colleagues’' labs are. It's nice to "reunite" with my friends; to meet them every day and talk to them and have breakfast with them. They have currently developed a habit of making snacks at home and bringing them to work to share. These include cupcakes, cookies, chocolate cakes and sandwiches. I'm afraid that all these delicious temptations are potentially dangerous for my dieting and weight loss plans, but I still join in the fun and indulge in a cookie or a piece of cake once or twice a week.

ELISA seems easy as a procedure. I picked it up quickly. But I'm having some difficulties in finding the exact dilution factor for my brain samples that will give me concentrations of proteins with absorbances within the range of the spectrophotometer.

I'll be doing this for a few weeks before I return back to my "home lab" and carry on what's left for me. My advisor asked me also to do some experiments for some external research project going on in the lab (not related to mine), so that should keep me quite busy until I find a job.

As for writing, I'm done with my introduction, materials and methods, analyzed ALL the data I collected so far, and done all my figure and their legends. Now I'll finally move to the writing my results and discussion.

My Second Seminar

2009-11-09T00:56:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday, I gave my second seminar about my research project. I've been preparing for it for a while. Most of the slides I used were from my first one, only re-arranged. I also cut a lot of the introduction and added more to the results, since now I have a lot more of those to present.

While I was preparing for the seminar, my nerves were so cool and calm. I felt everything was under control, and that I know my stuff real well and everything is going to be OK. I showed Advisor my slides the day before and he seemed to generally like them; he did make some comments and suggestions though, but more about the format rather than the content.

I didn't stay late in the lab that day, although my slices were incredibly healthy and viable and I really didn't want to leave before doing at least 3-4 experiments. But I stopped after the second and decided to go home to practice and read.

I spent the next morning reading and practicing. The seminar was scheduled to be at 12:00 pm. I went to the seminar room at about 11:30 am to plug in my laptop and setup everything before people start coming in. To my surprise, there was a workshop going on in the room, and they didn't seem to be leaving anytime soon. The Department Secretary told me that they booked the room until 11:30 am and must be leaving, and she went in there herself telling them that we need the room for a seminar. I was waiting outside the room with my laptop in my arms (which made some people smile) and a great deal of my audience have arrived as well and also stood at the door waiting to be admitted into that freaky room. The workshop people did not leave until around 12. I rushed inside and prepared my laptop for the show until the audience was seated.

Program Director made a brief welcoming introduction, and then it was time for me to speak. I don't know what happened to me at that moment. I felt my lips and throat so dry that it was a great effort to pull my lips apart and make them say anything. My heart was racing, and my mind went into a perfectly white blank.

Eventually, I started speaking. After a few slides the Chairman of our department stopped me and said, "Look, by now we must all be your friends. We are not your enemies here. So speak like you're talking to your friends and just relax." Wow! How sweet of you Prof. Chairman! But now you made me aware that I do look nervous and that everybody else in the room is aware too. Thank you very much.

I smiled, paused for a few seconds, and went on.

I did get more and more relaxed as I went through my slides. I still stumbled a bit on some words but it was in general OK.

Then came the questioning part. The first question came from a new, young, male, assistant prof (NYMAP), and ohhhhhhh how I hate those new, young, assistant profs, especially males*. They seem to think they've gained all the knowledge in the universe the day they got their PhD and they just love to show off everything they know, even if it's irrelevant to the topic being discussed. Anyway, I was happy that I knew the answer to his question (actually I did expect someone to ask it so I was well prepared to answer). NYMAP did not seem to understand, however, and that's when Advisor took over. I was OK with that, especially that what he said was not so different than what I did, which means I was saying the right thing all the time but he just put it in another, simpler way, which is something I should learn to do with time. The next question was from another faculty member, a senior full prof this time. Again, I was in the middle of answering the question when Advisor jumped again to take over. This time I was kind of annoyed. I felt that he made me look like an idiot who is uttering nothing but nonsense and that he was doing the job for me. My friends later told me it wasn't so bad of him to do that, he's just so enthusiastic and excited about the topic and the project that he wanted to get himself involved, plus he might have wanted to add some fun to the dull, formal setting. I was softened, and I felt kind of happy and maybe lucky too, because at least now I know that my Advisor is truly on my side, and I'd so much rather that he answers the questions with me than to have him the one who asks the questions embarrassing me in front of the entire audience; and I've seen this in my friend's seminar and it was too painful to just watch.

I received a question from the Program Director to which I knew the answer, but I only answered half of it, and then said that I'm not so sure. Maybe it was out of tension too, but I feel so bad not to have given a complete answer. I know it and I was reading about it just that morning. Why didn't I say so?!

Anyway, that is that. Everyone after it said it was an excellent presentation. Advisor was happy, and so was my co-advisor. I think I must be so too although I wasn't really satisfied. Yes, it was a heck better than the first one, but I haven't seemed to get over my anxiety and my public speaking phobia yet. I think next time I'm definitely going to take some beta-blocker to at least eliminate the physical symptoms that people can see.

Advisor also told me that someone told him that what I've already done is enough and I must finish up writing to graduate. He frankly said that he wants at least one publication out of my work and I still have to do a few more experiments. And I'm actually working and writing at the same time so hopefully I'm going to graduate within the average time.

I think I have to start preparing my defense presentation from now, and start practicing it from now too. And I shouldn't forget my beta-blocker.

* No offence to all NYMAPs out there and who might stumble across this. It's just that I've had bad experiences with most of those who I met. They're too proud, arrogant, and just cloying. Maybe it's just that the ones my college recruits are like that? Maybe. To be fair, I have to admit that I know one exception to this: a NYMAP who taught us in pharmacy school. And I'm sure there are a lot of good ones somewhere on earth, but definitely not on our campus that I know of.

A Conversation with Nobel Women: from Science Careers Blog

2009-10-30T00:18:00.000-07:00

I found this quite interesting on balancing life and science and family (if it's ever possible).

A Conversation with Nobel Women

It was published yesterday (October 29th, 2009) on the Science Careers Blog

He's Back!

2009-10-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

This morning, when I was busy checking my e-mail while waiting for my rat's brain tissue to rest after slicing and while Postdoc was doing something on the other computer and one Technician was weighing something on the scale and someone else was preparing solutions, Advisor came in, out of nowhere, and without any warning.

We were all surprised. Didn't he say he was going to be away for two weeks??? What is he doing here? Did something go wrong?

I personally thought I went into psychotic depression and that Advisor standing there was nothing but a hallucination. When everyone welcomed him back and started talking with him, I realized that he was "real", and went closer and welcomed him too.

The conference went well, he said. And this is the day on which he planned to come back the time but he didn't tell us as to make it a surprise.

As he always does when he comes back from a conference, he came in with a tote bag from the conference full of "conference goodies". You know, pens and pencils, coasters, key chains, stickers, etc etc. He gave everyone who was in the lab some of those goodies and kept only the coasters and the mug for himself (he's a caffeine junkie). But before all that, he took out the drafts I gave him before he left and handed them to me, full of corrections. He said they were good for a first draft, and he said that his friend, who he met at the conference and was his PhD mate, said they were impressive. I was happy to hear that, but still a bit skeptic; I don't know why I sometimes I get the feeling my work is crap and means nothing to nobody.

He told me that he met someone there who's an expert in a field related to what I'm doing. He discussed some ideas with her and she gave him lots of helpful tips. He told me to go online and search her papers to get some more ideas. He also met someone else who published a neat paper related to the other project on which Postdoc was working. He gave him some ideas too.

I felt happy and excited for a moment: when will I finally be able to go to international conferences show my own work to the world, meet other scientists, and discuss scientific stuff with them (and get my own conference goodies)? But this same thought made me depressed again: what if that day never comes?

Why Do I Get Depressed When Advisor Leaves???!

2009-10-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

I really have no idea why I get depressed when my advisor leaves for a conference or vacation or something.

Since we started in September he kept reminding me that he's traveling for a conference overseas mid-October and that he wanted me to give him everything I've written for my thesis so far so that he would read them while he drinks beer (!?) on the plane. I'm just hoping he won't drink too much.

All this time I had been thinking it's just one of those 3-day conferences, but turns out that he's going to be away for two weeks. TWO WEEKS!

I really got depressed when I heard that. Maybe because this means no-one will come into the lab singing/whistling making me smile every morning for two weeks, and no-one is going to ask me how my electrophysiology is going for two weeks, and no-one is going to nag about ELISA experiments for two weeks, and no-one is going to make good-smelling coffee in the lab for two weeks (Postdoc drinks tea. I'm on a diet and drink either water or diet coke). Or maybe because this means I'll have to stay with freaky Postdoc for two weeks with no-one to cheer me up. Or maybe I'm depressed because, well, it's that time of the year when I usually do.

Every year, at the beginning of September and until November, I get the blues. I don't know what my problem is; maybe it's seasonal affective disorder??? But I don't live in place where it's so cloudy and rainy and gloomy right now (Actually it's still kind of sunny where I live, and I love rain anyway). But still, my serotonin levels seem to be very low, and I spend most of my time crying, again for no direct reason.

I'm having a frustrating mixture of nostalgia, sadness, and anxiety. September awakens the memories of pharmacy school, all with the friends and colleagues I spent the best five years of study with. I remember our gatherings in the cafeteria, in the library, or at the nearby mall; and compare those times with my current days: lonely and stuck in the lab, located in a dead-quiet hallway. I miss sitting in lecture halls with them, listening to lecturers who we considered very boring back then, but now I so wish to sit there for even a minute with my buddies.

The sadness continues through October, packed with birthdays of people I love and miss too. It's amazing how most of my best friends and loved ones were born in October, and the majority of them are Libras!!!

In November, things start to get a bit better, but I still get occasional crying fits from time to time.

The thing is that when I get those feelings, I start remembering everything bad that had ever happened to me in my life, and then I cry about all those things together. Anything "bad", no matter how simple or trivial it was, triggers those feelings, and things that usually make me happy fail to cheer me up once I get them.

Now Advisor is gone, and this sure was a trigger, whether because I'll miss his coffee or because it's just that time of the year.

Winning Women :)

2009-10-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

I entered Advisor's office while he was reading about the 2009 Nobel Prizes on some website.

Advisor: Oh man Nobel Prizes are out and they don't give me any!!!

Me (jumping closer to his screen trying to catch something I could read): Wow! Two women win the Medicine Prize!!

Advisor: Yeah, two women and a guy.

Me (delightfully): But two women!!!

Advisor: But how come I don't get anything???!

Me: Don't worry. Better luck next year.

Advisor: Oh yesssss. Next year is another year!!!

It turns out that three other ladies get Nobel Prize this year.

So congrats to Elizabeth Blackburn, Carol Greider, Elinor Ostrom, Herta Mueller, and Ada Yonath (and to all other Men winners, of course). Great job!!!

And it's a New Academic Year, Again!

2009-09-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

And here we are again. A new year, and work goes on. This is my third year now in my MSc program. I didn't graduate in two years as I was hoping. I took about 1 month and a half of vacation where I had some fun (I shopped, joined a gym, stayed up late (watching TV, not studying) and of course worked a bit on my thesis) and I'm back to the lab.

I still have work to do in the lab (Yes, Dr. Smiley Face*. I still have work to do). This semester I'll be doing something a bit different. In addition to my "regular" electrophysiology experiments, I'll be doing ELISAs, which might add some variation and excitement to my usual lab routine.

I'll continue going to the gym, because when I joined last summer, I signed up for one year membership. I don't know whether this was a good idea, and I don't know how I'll manage it, but I'm hoping for the best. After all, one of my New Year Resolutions was to lose weight, and I have to do something to make it happen.

As for my thesis, I've written my Introduction, my Materials and Methods and I've done my figures. Having written them doesn't mean I'm done with them, for a lot of revision and editing is ahead to be done. I'm planning to finish by December MAX and defend sometime in February/March. I hope I can do it this time. I really hope so.

*a young, jolly little assistant prof who asks me every single time we meet whether I'm done yet. I know it's likely out of concern, but it does annoy me sometimes.

Back and Busy: Postdoc and I

2009-06-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

I love my lab, I really do. I like the work I'm doing, I like my adviser, and I like the work environment in general. What I don't like is this postdoc who works in our lab. When I first came to the lab, she was very quiet and calm and she barely ever talked to me, she never even said "good morning" or "hi" when she saw me alone in the lab. I thought she might be shy and didn't like interacting with "strangers" or "newcomers" that much. I thought the longer I'd stay in the lab, the more comfortable we would both become with each other, and we might even become good friends. To my utmost disappointment, that never happened.

Rather, it seemed that the longer I stayed in the lab, the easier it became for her to act more like "herself", or rather her other self that I never expected it existed. I was surprised to notice that she had her name written on all lab equipment, from beakers to Petri dishes to measuring cylinders, to every other lab utensil one can think of. "Wow! Did she buy all this herself?", I wondered. To me this was very unique and kind of funny. In all the labs I've been, I've never seen anyone put their names on anything except for the PI, or perhaps in case of "don't touch" experiments so that no-one would mess up with them. The thing is, since her name was on literally ALL the equipment in the lab, I was obliged to use some of "her" stuff to get my work done. She had no choice but to keep complaining that I am either causing damage to the equipment, losing them somewhere or misplacing them. By "misplace" she means that I'm moving them a few inches from what she calls "her side" to "my side" of the bench. She actually did say that she doesn't want to move all those inches to get them from my side, because she is always used to have them her side. She always gave me orders to use this beaker, not that, this dish, not that, this spatula, and not that (given that the two are exactly the same). On the other hand, she could use any piece of equipment at any time. PI was kind enough to get me brand new set of whatever he could to use on my own and avoid conflict, but surprizingly enough, she used them too. When I wrote my initials on them with a marker, she called on to her friend postdoc from the other lab and showed her that and told her that I'm acting childish! (she wouldn't do that in front of me, I was just coming into the lab one morning when I saw the two standing by my dissection set and talking).

Not only did she complain that I am ruining the order that she's been used to for many long years, but she blames me for anything that goes wrong with anything in the lab, absolutely everything. At first I used to believe her, and I used to blame myself too for not being as careful as I should have, according to her. I always panicked when something in the lab didn't work or when either of us didn't get results that day. "Is it something I've done?" I always asked myself.

I never told Advisor about this, although I started to hate the lab altogether and I spent my hours there tensed and nervous. I really didn't want to be an extra burden or give him a headache for such trivial issues; I didn't want him to regret having me in his lab, so I wanted things to go as smoothly and quietly as possible, just as if I was never there. Also, I thought if I told him, Postdoc might hate me even more and everyone told me to try to have good relationships with everyone around to get good recommendation letters later on when I graduate.

However, the day came when I had to tell Advisor about everything. We happened to have a new PhD student in our lab, which I thought would be fun at first, especially that he appeared to be nice and friendly and I thought that would dilute the toxic effect of Postdoc. But the problem was that Mr. PhD was really careless and slack, and he really did cause some real trouble in the lab for that. One morning, Posdoc and I entered the lab only to discover that the freezer had been left open all night. This of course is a disaster, because it means that all our proteins and heat-sensitive (and expensive) stuff are spoiled and will go to waste. Postdoc had no-one then to scream at but me. And although I objected saying that I didn't use the freezer the day before, she insisted that I'm responsible for this. We were both yelling at each other when Mr. PhD came walking merrily into the lab. Postdoc stopped and asked him whether he opened the freezer the previous day and he admitted that he did. Postdoc went wild and started screaming and yelling at him too and said she will call Advisor to come and see this. While she was busy yelling, I escaped to Advisor's office and told him everything. I just couldn't take it any more and I couldn't stand being accused for irresponsibility every 5 minutes for everything that goes on wrong any longer. The problem that day was very serious and I was very sure that I had nothing to do with it, so why take the responsibility and why get blamed for it?

Advisor is a very calm and understanding person. He listened to me very quietly although I wasn't quiet at all, I was shaking while I spoke and cried at the end. He calmed me down and told me that he knew everything was going in the lab. He said that he always noticed that Postdoc is a "control freak" and never likes to take responsibility for anything herself, and so she has the habit of throwing it onto other people, including HIM! He said that he is now used to her and knows now exactly how to deal with her without much trouble, and that I should learn to do the same. He said that he has been in labs where relations are so tensed that people don't talk to each other at all, and that working in labs will expose me to many different types of people and personalities that I may not like, but I'll have to learn to deal with all of them to survive and to win the respect of everyone. "We can't change all people," he said, "but we have to learn how co-exist with them. You still have to respect Postdoc because she's your senior in age and position, and you might need her (as much as she might need you) in the the future." We then headed to the lab, which he found in a total mess. He calmed Postdoc and said to her much of what he has been telling me in the office (except of her being irresponsible and a control freak) and the day passed, but Posdoc and I are never the same.

But you know what, as time passed, I started thinking about it. Was I wrong? Was there anything I could have done to avoid the trouble? Was there any better way to deal with the problem? Was there any problem at all? Or was I so sensitive and fragile that I created the problem myself out of nothing? When should lab members share equipment (and reagents) and when shouldn't they? When should you try to be resolve conflict yourself and when should you tell your advisor? You may say that I'm naive, but I really need help on this one. Any advice?

Back and Busy: Trying to Break the Procrastination Cycle

2009-06-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

I know, I've been away for so long. I know, whoever was reading this blog has lost interest because of long "away" periods and "diaries" talking about events that happened months ago, making them not-so-exciting -- even to me. Yes, I am busy up to my head with my lab and stuff, but that isn't a good enough excuse, or a good enough explanation.

The other reason why I'm not blogging regularly is that I'm being, well, a big fat procrastinator. I tend to put off most of my things on my to-do list, especially those not directly related to my lab and thesis. I have loads of work to do, but I'm just sitting there watching that list grow longer and longer without doing anything to stop it. The longer the list gets, the more nervous I get; and the more nervous I get, the even longer the list gets. It's a vicious cycle.

I have lots of things in mind that I want to blog about, but I always say to myself that I'll post them in the evening when I come back from the lab, but when I come back from the lab, I'm usually so tired that I postpone my blogging session to the weekend. And so forth.

I thought of quitting this blogging thing altogether. But I hesitated a lot, because I really enjoyed -- and learned a lot from -- reading and commenting on other people's blogs, and having them read about my own experiences and and commenting on them in return. I've met lots of nice people online, who were very supportive and helpful. And I really don't want to give up all that.

I've been dieting recently, because I gained a lot of weight during my stressful academic year. I joined the SparkPeople website, where I can find some dieting and exercising tips and motivation. Surprisingly enough, I came across this article about how to overcome procrastination. I thought it's a very helpful article and it's worth sharing here for others to read:

Confessions of a Reformed Procrastinator

Break the Energy-Sapping Cycle

-- By Mike Kramer, Staff Writer
This article has been a long time coming. In fact, it’s probably several years overdue. Why? Because… I’m a closet procrastinator.

I’ve been too aware for too long that I’ve suffered this affliction. In college, 73% of my studying (I checked) was done between the hours of 11pm and 4am the night before exams, fueled by Cheetos and Mountain Dew. My car always stayed dirty, my fridge was always cluttered, and the malls always stayed open an extra hour for me on Christmas Eve. I once didn’t eat breakfast because making toast seemed like work. True story.

Over the years, I’ve learned to cope with this burden and even overcome it in many significant ways. I can’t tell you what a HUGE difference just a few simple goal-setting techniques have made. Being accountable to something written on paper compels me to act. It may be true that thinking before you act is a virtue. But too much thinking leads to very little action. And action is everything when it comes to reaching meaningful goals and leading a meaningful life.

But I learned a valuable lesson the other day that may help me even more. I learned that I’m still procrastinating in a lot of small, unseen ways that can add up to frustrating days.

Here’s what happened: On the way to work, I stopped at the intersection at the end of our street. On that corner is a mailbox, and I had three letters in the car to mail. Being late for work, though, my first thought – as it has been for years – was "I’m in a hurry, I’ll just mail them at lunchtime." But instead of driving on, I stopped my procrastinating self. I realized that I was actually prepared to take 5-10 minutes out of my lunch hour, get back in my car, slog through traffic, and run to the post office – just for the sake of not having to do it right now. Such is the irrational nature of a procrastinator.

I scolded myself for being so stupid, got out of the car, dropped the mail, and was on my way. Cost: 10 seconds. Payoff: No more brain space wasted on mail, and a traffic-free lunch. Lesson learned.

I know there are a lot of closet procrastinators like me out there, people who have goals or things to do (big or small), but put off acting on them for one reason or another.

We’re stressed when we procrastinate. But then we also procrastinate when we’re stressed. Procrastination is a nasty beast. It’s a mean, energy-sapping, time-chewing cycle. But you can break out of it. If I can do it, anyone can.

It’s really a mindset and a habit. It’s a matter of deciding to just get something out of the way while you have the chance. Here are my rules for breaking the procrastination habit:
When in doubt, act.
Erase your To-Do List every day or week and start over. Running lists end up with items that stick around too long, sink to the bottom and end up as invisible as Lincoln’s ghost.
Hang around action-oriented people. People with energy often have a thrill for life, and it’s easy to pick up some of that spirit.
Get plenty of exercise and sleep. Nothing makes you want to put things off more than feeling groggy or drained.
Filter down and simplify. Does everything on your To-Do List belong there? As lists get longer, we procrastinators can freeze up and not know which way to turn first.
Right now – before you read the next paragraph – go do something you put off earlier today…There, doesn’t that feel better? Remember and cherish that feeling.
I’m not always successful at not procrastinating. I have my share of setbacks. But with goal setting and the personal leadership I’ve learned with SparkPeople, as well as the rules above, I’m getting a lot better. I find that the more action I put in my day, the more fun it is, and the more time I have to do the stuff I really want to do – with a clear mind, a clear conscience, and a cleared-off To-Do List.

Back and Busy: conference fun

2009-05-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for a very long time. I said I'll go for a two-week vacation, and I planned to resume posting as soon as I come back, but I never thought that the new semester I was about to start this spring will be one of the busiest ever. A lot of things have been going on for the last three months (wow! I can hardly believe that three whole months have past!). I'm now working in the lab most of the time. No more classwork. So It's just me and my experiments. My research is not done yet, but I thought that it would be best to start writing my thesis while I'm still working. So I wrote the introduction, and started writing my materials and methods, then I'll start putting the results I have so far together. This way I can save some time.

This semester started with two consecutive conferences held in our college. One was a Toxicology and Therapeutic Drug Monitoring (TDM) one, while the second was a broader spectrum conference, and it included any pharmacy related subject: pharmacology, pharmaceutics, industrial pharmacy, clinical pharmacy, toxicology, pharmaceutical chemistry, etc etc...

Both were very interesting to me. Especially that I'm feeling like I'm gradually drifting away from my "original" profession, as I'm turning to be a scientist more than a pharmacist. Which is not a bad thing, and a lot of pharmacists work in research and academia too, but I still want to keep up with what's happening in pharmacy in general, especially the clinical aspect of it.

The first conference (the TDM one) passed by quietly and with not much fuss, and included only formal lectures and a workshop. The second one was more fun; it was more like a carnival. Maybe the fact that the latter covers the interests of more people is the reason, or maybe because it's only the second one of its kind held in our Little College. But what I'm really sure of is that the organizing committee have done a great job.

The conference included formal lectures, speeches, short oral presentations, poster sessions, and a workshop. The invited speakers were all well-known scientists in their fields, and several of them are authors/contributors/editors of textbooks we used in pharmacy school, whom I personally was very excited to meet. I also happened to meet several old buddies from undergrad whom I haven't seen for over a year, so it was like a "scientific reunion for us. The lunch breaks were also kind of scientific; I never imagined I would sit someday with professors at the same lunch table, eating, joking, and talking about science too.

From every lecture I attended, I had to come out with something new. I even watched the lecturers carefully to see how they gave their talks and presented their material. I noticed how the dealt with questions and some embarrassing situations. I learned that even the best professors make mistakes or say, "I don't know", when they didn't. I saw that some of the most knowledgeable scientists can be not-so-good presenters, and their slides can be the most crowded and un-readable ever. I took note of these presentations and slides too, so that I can learn from other people's mistakes and to make sure that I don't do these mistakes in my own talks and presentations.

The only sad thing was that I wasn't able to attend all the events because I didn't want to interrupt my lab work. Two weeks of conferences were a lot for me, and I thought to myself that once I graduate, I'll hopefully be able to attend as much of those as I like. I went only to the events that I felt would be most interesting, and that I could attend without interrupting my experimental plans (e.g. during incubation times). But still, a tech in the next lab told me that even the ones I missed out were amazing. Oh well, you can't get everything in life you know. And to get something, you'll need to sacrifice a lot of other things for it.

I was impressed with the number of undergrad students who attended. I know that not all of them really wanted to be there and they were just pressed to go by their professors or geeky friends, but just them being there and seeing what was going on was a good thing. I think that there they got to learn the connection between academia, science, and pharmacy. They can have a closer look at what professors actually do other than just teaching them (See FSP's post). They can also learn that professors and scientists are not necessarily dull, boring, or freaky people; in fact, they can even be witty, outgoing, and fun, let aside motivating and inspiring. Science itself is not boring; it's exciting. Some of them might have found a field that caught their attention, and they might start considering grad studies and becoming professors themselves one day.

Vacation... Finally!

2009-02-05T08:57:00.000-08:00

I’m now on vacation, finally. After four months of hard work, I now have a 2-week vacation before the next semester starts, when I'll be completely devoted to my research project.

I have so much to do in these two weeks that I hardly know where to start!

First of all I have to clean my room. Papers are all over the place: on the desk, on the floor, under the bed, and even on my windowsill! I have to organize them all and file them and keep them somewhere where I could find them when I need them. Actually I'm running out of space and I don't know where to put them. I have so many files that I keep since I was in undergrad, because I have the habit of not throwing anything away because I never know when they might come in need (and I do need them sometimes). But they are now causing a space crisis.

Also, books everywhere too. I have stacks of books that I've always wanted to read but never had the time, including an author-signed copy of one of the major reference books in electrophysiology which Advisor had lent me. He said he used this book when he was a student, and I think he’ll kill me if he knew about the intensive care I'm giving to his sacred book. So this is something else that needs attention.
Also I want to go shopping. Sales are everywhere these days, and they really tempt me. I think I'll go shop for clothes, bags, purses, and accessories. And I need a good pair of lab shoes too.

I'll spend some time hanging out with friends both from undergrad and high school. I'll watch TV, and I might go to the movies if there's something interesting.

Hmmm, what else?

Oh yes. I think I'll have to do some reading for my research. I'm going to use a new technique in my project when I come back and I have to read about it. So I'll have to make some time for that too.

But above all that, I think the most important thing is that I make sure I get enough SLEEP, to compensate for the all-nighters I pulled during my exam period. I have to go back to my lab refreshed, more enthusiastic, and a brand new Little Miss!

The Lost Blog

2009-02-04T03:09:00.000-08:00

My blog was deleted today.

I was trying to write a new post about my 2-week vacation that just has started, and I noticed that I had so many redundant labels. So I decided to delete some of them to get a more compact list of labels (I don't know what exactly bothered me about having a long one). Instead of deleting the labels, I deleted the posts!!! All the posts were deleted, with their comments and everything.

I sat there shocked for a moment. "This could not be happening..." I said to myself. Then I started searching for an "undo" click but there wasn't any. I tried to search for a solution online, but nothing seemed to work. It seems that I just can't retrieve my deleted posts. And being new to the world of blogging, I don't know a lot of tips and tricks that can help me in such a situation or that could have prevented it in the first place.

Eventually I came across this blog post here that gave me a good solution:

To recover your posts go to Google.com and type in the search box :

cache:BLOG_URL

Replace the CAPS with your blog url/link/address. Click Search button. This will only work if your blog has been indexed by Google. It will not work with blogs which have been created and deleted within 2-3 weeks of their creation. You can then copy the posts and paste them in your reclaimed blog.

Following that method, I was able to restore the text of all my previous posts. I copied and pasted them and posted them all over again, with their original post dates too. However, the comments were lost, unfortunately.

Moral:

Be careful what you do with you blog. You might not be able to undo it, and some of the loses might not be recoverable.
Always keep an electronic back-up copy of your posts saved somewhere on your hard drive (if you don't already). You might need it one day.
During my search for a solution, I found out that having many related labels can be good actually; they can bring traffic to your blog! So if you have them, keep them.

I apologize to everyone who previously took the time to comment on my posts. I really didn't mean to delete your comments, and I feel bad for loosing them too.

Seminar Freak-Out

2009-01-31T23:47:00.001-08:00

Last week, I gave my very first seminar about my research project. I've been working in the lab for about four months now and it was time to tell people what I've been up to. It was a very important event to me and I really wanted it to be perfect. The reason I wanted it to be perfect is that that presentation would give others (faculty and other grad students) the first impression about me and my work, and I wanted this impression to be real good. Secondly, the entire grade of a course called "Seminars in Pharmacology" depends on that seminar, so I had to do great in it in order to get a good grade (i.e., my A). Another reason I wanted my presentation to be good is that I wanted it to be a sort of "reward" for my advisor for being such a wonderful one and for spending a lot of his time and effort with me (I really don't know if advisors generally care about their students giving good presentations about their work, since the work is basically the student's, but I presume they do since they are supervising these students and most of the work is being done in their own labs).

I decided that I shall not present a lot of data in that seminar, but rather to give a nice general idea about what on earth I'm doing in the lab, why I'm doing it, and how. This was also the recommendation of the Director of the MS Program, since we have several other seminars to give later on where we can focus more on presenting results and discussing them. However, I did dedicate the last few minutes for presenting some preliminary data I've obtained so far. I've preparing for that seminar for about a month. I prepared my slides with nice pictures and diagrams, I analyzed all relevant data I wanted to present, and prepared some diagrams out of them. I also had to read a lot about the topic (which of course I've done before since I started my project) and practise, practise, and practise. I had a mid-term examination a week before the seminar, and a great deal of time was spent studying for it. But once this exam was over, I went back and tried to focus on my presentation again. I read lots of papers, reviews, and book chapters related to my work in an attempt to be prepared for all sorts of questions I might get. When I practised the presentation, it seemed very easy and that I have good control over everything. But still, I was very nervous, and I told my advisor. He saw my slides the day before the presentation, and gave me some comments and suggestions. He also reassured me that he will be there for me if I happen to struggle answering a question. So I was happy knowing that my advisor will be on my side.

I am a shy person in general, and speaking in public is not one of my favorite things I like to do. But it always seems to turn out good, thankfully (although this one was not as good as I wished). The seminar was scheduled to be at one o'clock in the afternoon. I didn't have lunch nor breakfast that day (I was too nervous) and it was my turn to speak first. I went up there and started. The first few minutes went very smoothly and nearly as I planned for. But as I advanced deeper into the presentation, I started forgetting things and dropping a lot of the information I intended to say. I paused several times during my speech trying to rephrase my sentences. I kept saying to myself silently and unintentionally, "Oh my God I'm screwing it up!" What horrified me even more were the blank faces of my friends and some of the faculty; "are they getting my point?" I kept asking myself. "Am I making any sense?"

Eventually, I reached the end of my presentation. I thanked the audience for listening and invited their questions. I did get a number of questions that indicated that at least some of the audience WERE actually listening, and I was able to give decent answers for their questions too. When I sat down, my colleague graduate students, especially those in their first year, eagerly congratulated me for such a wonderful presentation and reassured me that the faculty also seemed to like it. They said my voice was a little bit low but it was clear. Later during the day I headed to the lab where I met Advisor. He asked me, smiling, "How did it go?" I said, "I'm not sure. What do you think?" He said, "I think it was good. It was obvious that you were nervous, but apart from that everything was fine. You will get better with time. And by the time you have to give your defense presentation, you'll be perfect."

I was glad he said that. He even asked me for a copy of my slides because he wants to borrow some of them for his own presentations. The next day, several faculty members stopped me in the hall saying that my seminar was good. I thanked them heartily, but still I really wished they knew that that was not my best that I was going for.

I think there are still at least two months before my next seminar, but I'm already thinking about it. How can I improve my "presentation giving” skills? How can I learn to be less shy and less nervous? Is it just by practicing more and more? I don't know. But at least now I have the confidence that I don't suck, I just need to learn how to rock!

Happy New Year! (Belated)

2009-01-13T22:34:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year! To all those who actually read my blog or happen to stumble upon it.I

was busy in the past weeks studying for my exams and preparing for some presentations I had to give. They were all just OK. Not as good as I wanted them to be, and not so bad either. I still have 1 final exam and 2 presentations to go before this semester ends in my University and before I can get my 2-week break. I can hardly wait. The good new is that this will be the last semester with coursework for me. Then I can finally concentrate really well on my research with no other interruptions or distractions (hopefully).

My New Year resolutions? Hmmm, well I think the most important things I want to achieve in 2009 are the following:

Loose weight!
Participate in the Poster Conference held in my University in April. Try to win the Best Poster Award for Graduate Students.
Get my degree (or at least finish my research; I think I might have to defend in early-mid 2010).
Start looking for a decent job until I figure out how and where I'm going to do my PhD (if #3 is accomplished).
Take more French classes in the summer.

I think these are the main things that if I really do accomplish in 2009 I would be very happy :)

Happy new year again and hope you all have your dreams come true.

A Confidence Booster

2008-12-04T19:02:00.001-08:00

Today I gave a presentation in an elective class I'm taking this semester. I was very nervous in the morning and I couldn't sleep all night. It's not that I have never given a presentation before, but it is because the topic of the presentation is so different from my background knowledge. The class I'm taking is in nuclear medicine. It is a basic class for non-majors that gives an overview of nuclear medicine and radiation starting from the pure physical basis of radiation up till the effects of radiation on living cells. Several students from my department were to give presentations the same day. My presentation was about factors affecting radiation hazards. I read about the topic, prepared my slides, and went in. While I was preparing for it, I found the topic kind of easy and logical but still I was afraid that I might be asked a question that, with my pure pharmacy/pharmacology background, had no idea about, especially that I was going to present in front of one of the most distinguished and internationally renowned scientists in the field. I thought that anything I would say would seem stupid/trivial to him. (We actually have such professor in our department. He comes to seminars a bit late, sits with a grave face for five minutes and then walks out seeming uninterested, which I think really embarrasses the speaker.). Anyway, the presentation went well. I was interrupted a couple of times by askers, but thankfully I could answer them.

After we all finished our presentations, I was surprised to hear that excelled professor say that the presentations we just gave are among the best he has ever heard. He said that he has traveled a lot and taught students from all around the world but still our presentations were very excellent compared to many others he has attended. He said that he liked all the aspects of the presentations: the organization, the slides, the language used, the way we presented... He even said that he was very proud of us and he asked for copies of the presentations so that he could use them as examples for his own medical students. He also asked us to give the presentations again sometime later during the semester in front of a larger audience including hospital staff and resident doctors. A TA (who was one of his grad students) agreed and said that we are a very promising group of students and they suggested that we should specialize in radiation pharmacy. Unfortunately enough for them, we are already on our ways to become pharmacologists.

Anyhow, I can't tell you how confident I felt after leaving the room, and I can't tell you how badly I needed half such encouragement during this period of my life when my experiments were working only 1 day (or two if I'm lucky) out of five and when my exams were not going the way I wished them to go. Nearly everything happening to me in my college life is currently making me feel stupid and desperate, and what makes it worse is having a postdoc in the lab who always makes fun of me and my wretched experiments. After hearing such words, I just wanted to rush to the lab to go on with my experiments again. “So I’m not hopeless after all,” I said to myself.

Advisor is a wonderful person too. He is understanding and supportive. I really can't think how I would ever be able to survive in this place without such encouraging people. I wish all people were like that. It costs nothing to say something nice to others, yet the rewarding impact will last forever, especially in the minds and hearts of those who were then struggling to stand up on their feet on a new ground. Those would always appreciate and fondly remember the hands that reached for theirs and helped them get up when they were down. Thanks to all those who encouraged me along my way. Thanks to my parents and to my supportive school teachers, undergrad and grad professors, friends, and all those who were there for me helping me overcome hard moments I went through in my life. These are the people who made me the person I am today and continue to help me be the person I’m looking forward to be tomorrow.

Juggling Coursework and Lab Work

2008-11-16T01:48:00.001-08:00

"If you chase two rabbits, both will escape."

Is this true in graduate school too? Or should students actually be able to chase two, or maybe three four, rabbits at the same time??

I've become very nervous and distracted since my lectures started late in October. I was happily spending all day in the lab doing my experiments and having nothing else in mind to think of (at least when I'm in the lab). My concerns back then only revolved around grasping the techniques, getting my experiments to work, how I could improve them, and pleasing my advisor. Now, I feel like a robot who comes to the lab, does the experiment, and leave without even thinking of it. My brain is full of fears and thoughts of exams, presentations, and deadlines, all related to my coursework. I have piles of papers and books related to my research that I got from the library and that I really wish I could read, but I never seem to have the time.

It's not just a time management issue, because both research and coursework consume energy and brain space in addition to time. On a day when I have so many lecture hours, I get back to the lab too tired to do anything, but I try to experiments anyway because if I don't, they will never be done obviously.

I really wanted to finish some of my experiments before lectures started because I knew that once they do, I won't have much time (or patience) to spend in the lab. But it took me a considerable time (about 3 months) before I actually started getting meaningful results. By that time, my lectures started.I'm taking five courses this semester; some of them are easy, and some are very demanding. The thing is that none of these subjects (mostly compulsory) are related to the research I'm doing. While my research project is mainly electrophysiology/neuropharmacology, my courses are mostly in immunology/immunopharmacology, radiology, and others. So focusing on one thing will not really help me out in the other. And of course, I have to be good in both to graduate.

One of my friend-professors suggested that I should spend more time in the lab. i.e., I should stay late at night or come on weekends, since working on research needs concentration and minimal distraction. My advisor suggested the same. I have no problem with that during "peaceful" times when I have no exams/seminars/presentations coming up. But when I do (and I often do) when could I prepare for them? And if I don't go to the lab during such stressful times, then when could I work on my experiments?

Advisor told me that if I really cannot cope, I may stop my research work for now and resume later when I'm totally finished with coursework. Good idea; but this means that I'll graduate later than I scheduled for myself, with all the consequences of that. You know, more time before getting a job, more time before I can get back to my family...

The director of the MS program in our department said that at the university where he got his PhD, students were supposed to finish their coursework before commencing research. He said he'll try to make it like that for the next batch of students. Postdoc said the policy was the same at her university too. But it also seems common in other universities to have both coursework and research in parallel, which makes me feel kind of stupid because it's maybe just me who can't manage and that there are thousands of students out there who are undergoing the same situation with no problem. I also think of those who are graduate students and TA's at the same time (this is not allowed in our department). I really don't know.For now, I think my plan will be like this: I'll come to the lab very early in the morning, do something until it's time for lectures, go to the lectures, come back in the afternoon, work again on my experiments, go home early evening, study till midnight (althogh I'll be dead tired, but I'll try), then go to sleep and do the same the next day. I have some days with no lectures; I can dedicate those completely for my experiments. Weekends can be spent on data analysis. When I have an upcoming exam, I will freeze everything else and focus on the exam.This is the best solution I can think of. I hope it works.

Hectic Week Over

2008-11-14T20:46:00.001-08:00

A very tiring week of my hectic graduate life has finally come to its end. It was a nice ending though. My grad friends and I all decided to leave our labs for an hour this morning and have breakfast together. This may sound weird but we all needed such a break. We work in different labs, and my lab is even in a different building altogether. We rarely see each other unless we have a lecture we need to attend. Personally, I see no-one all day except Postdoc who is generally a very quiet person (except when she gets a phone call from one of her friends) and Advisor who comes to the lab several times a day and checks on me and asks how I'm doing. My point is that I'm feeling very lonely and isolated these days and there is no-one around me who's living the same experience at the same stage I'm going through to share my concerns with.

The breakfast was good. We SMSed each other last evening and decided that each one of us will bring something. Someone brought the sandwiches, another brought the tea and coffee, others brought desserts. I brought the salad. We ate and talked while we ate. We gossiped about our Advisors, labs, and lab inhabitants (technicians, postdocs and all…). We complained about the hard time we're all going through and tried to find some reasonable solution that might help us through. We joked and we laughed. To make it short, we had fun. And it was very relieving.

It was very relieving for me that we all got together and talked for the first time for over a month. It was very relieving for me to know that we're all facing similar problems and we are all having the same difficulties especially when it comes to trying to balance coursework with lab work. Mid-term exams are coming, we have presentations to give and lectures to attend and we have to sit in our labs and do our experiments. And for someone like me whose experiments are super long and need a lot of concentration, this is very difficult to manage. This is why we have been suffering last week. We've been running back and forth all day between our lecture rooms and labs, being able to focus in neither. We get back home too worn out to study anything or even to read papers or write down something for our theses.

We "officially" started working on our research projects in the beginning of October. Some started way before that; for example, I started learning and practicing my lab techniques in June. During that period, we had no lectures, and things were going on smoothly and were even fun. But once the lectures started about two weeks ago, we started struggling a lot.

We're taking five courses this semester; some are kind of easy while others are very demanding. Lab work is very demanding too. A great deal of time needs to be spent in the lab doing experiments and interpreting data, etc... So I started feeling like I'm facing a dilemma. Which is more important? What should my #1 priority be? My coursework or lab work?

I really don't know what to do about this, but I'll try some solutions that I've thought of or that have been suggested to me. I'll write about them sometime during the weekend.

Why People Go to Graduate School

2008-10-28T06:17:00.001-07:00

In almost every introductory lecture I had in grad school, the professor would walk in, tell us their name, recite their list of degrees, fellowships, institutions where they worked, positions they held, and something about their current research interests. Some also care enough to ask the students to do the same: they ask us about our names, backgrounds, why we're here, and what we're looking forward to. So we go one by one (we're not many), talking a little bit about our past, and something about our plans for the future.

Typically, most people's stories follow this format:

"Hello. My name is [Name]. I got my bachelor’s degree in [subject] in [year]
from [Some University]. I worked for [number of years] for [Some
Company/Institution...] then for [another number of years] in [Some Other
Company/Institution]. I'm here because I want to get an MS degree in
pharmacology to:

get better job opportunities

improve my knowledge in this area I'm interested in

get an idea about how research and "academic life" are like so that I could decide whether I want go on to get a PhD

2 or more of the above."

My story is always the shortest: "I'm [My Name]. I graduated last year from the School of Pharmacy in this University. I'm here because initially I thought that I would get better job opportunities - outside academia - with a graduate degree. But day by day I continue to feel that I'm really into science and research and I'm considering getting a PhD sometime in the future. And since I've always loved neuropharmacology, I think I will specialize in that."

One day we were having this sort of chit-chat and eventually it was DJ's turn to speak (one of my coleagues). I was really shocked when I heard her saying, "I'm here because I want to have fun and make some friends." Everyone else thought she was joking and laughed but she didn't seem to be, and you might think that she's such a nerd who actually enjoys studying and experimenting but she doesn't. In fact, she is the most nagging and complaining student of us all!

She complains all the time about absolutely everything and everyone. She doesn't like lectures. She doesn't like exams. She doen't like the professors. She always states that she never enjoyed undergrad studying either. She keeps on saying over and over again that she's always hated lab work and that this is not the right place for her. Then the question pops up again in my mind: why did you say you're here, again? I really think that there are much better places where one can just "have fun and make friends" at without actually torturing themselves and others (e.g. gyms, clubs, volunteering...)

When DJ is asked about her future plans she goes, "I don't know. I definitely don't want to go for a PhD in pharmacology. That's for sure. Maybe I'll do an MBA, or attend French classes..."

Sometimes I feel sorry for her because she seems so confused about what she's doing and about her future. At other times I feel sorry for those people who really like science (or at least have more reasonable motives for joining grad school than DJ's) but were not admitted to the program because DJ took their place. Or maybe I'm all wrong. Maybe people do go to grad school just to have fun and make friends after all. Do they??!

My Very First Post!

2008-10-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

OK. So this is my very first post on my very first blog.

As I say in my profile, I'm a graduate student in an MS program in pharmacology and toxicology at Some University in Some Part of the World. I'm now a second year student, which typically means that I've finished most of my coursework and I'm currently working on my thesis experiments. I'm hoping to get my degree within the next eighteen months or so.

During my undergrad years as a pharmacy student, I've always been fascinated by neuropharmacology, so I decided that my MS thesis would deal with something in the field and I think it was a very good decision because I'm really enjoying it (so far).

I've been following several scientific and academic blogs around here in the past few months and I really enjoyed (and learned a lot too) reading about other people's experiences and anecdotes and about different situations they face in their busy scientific/academic lives. And after reading Dr. Jekyll & Mrs. Hyde's post about why she likes to blog and referring to this blogging thing as a party, I thought I would like to throw some parties at my place too! And that's why I'm starting my own blog. I feel new to this scientific world and academic lifestyle (which makes me feel like an alien sometimes when I'm with my old friends from undergrad and/or other non-academic people) and I feel that it would be nice if I share my thoughts/stories/musings about my "new life" with other people with similar backgrounds while I'm trying to get on track.

So thank you everyone for sharing their experiences through blogging and brightening other people's lives. And you are always welcome to my parties!

And here goes!!!